Dangerous Dan

It appears that Saddam Hussein is writing his memoirs. How sweet.

Here are a few excerpts I've been able to obtain:

Sometime in 1980:
That Jacques Chirac sure was nice. I sent him a thank you card for helping get that swell nuclear reactor that I was just going to use for peaceful energy production. Sure, I was sitting on the world's second largest oil reserves, but I was the environmental president. I didn't want to pollute the air with all that filthy oil smog. I mean, just look what happened when the Americans and Israelis set the Kuwaiti wells on fire after I decided to peacefully withdraw from the country. I found my lost puppy in Kuwait City, so, ya know, there didn’t seem to be much reason to stick around. Anyway, nuclear energy is just cleaner. There's some radioactive byproduct, but that could have been safely disposed of on Jerusalem.

June 7, 1981:
Those Israelis destroyed my swell reactor. In a fit of anger, I ordered 10,000 Kurds executed. I briefly regretted it, but then realized it was all the fault of the Zionists.

September 22, 1980:
I started a war with Iran. I figured it wouldn't last very long. I was right… eight years later, it was all over.

March 16, 1988:
The popular story is that almost 5,000 Kurds died in Hallabjah by means of chemical weapons and that I ordered the attack. Not so. Not so at all. It's all a silly misunderstanding. I told my commanders to give the residents of Hallabjah some mustard, gas, and serendipity. He thought I meant mustard gas and sarin. I felt a little bad about that but then realized it must have been the Zionists' fault.

February 26, 1994:
I checked out the new statue of myself. I realized that my ass couldn't really be that big. When I complained, the sculptor broke down in tears. I also told him the mustache wasn't nearly mustachey enough. Uday later told me the man fell into an industrial plastic shredder in a horrible accident. He said a Zionist tripped him. I should have known. Just in case, I ordered the execution of 2,000 potential Zionist trippers.

March 20, 2003:
The Americans had just invaded Iraq. I wasn't concerned. My forces were invincible and my people would fight for me like tigers.

December 14, 2003:
So there I was in my spider hole. It wasn't as bad as people made it out to be. I had plenty of hummus and the cable guy was supposed to come later that day. In fact, that's why I didn't shoot when the soldiers first peeked inside. I mean, c'mon, if you shoot the cable guy, there's no telling when the cable company will send out another truck. I know this from experience, people.

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