Dangerous Dan Thoughts and musings on the world

7/26/2006

The Sun’s a Dirty Killer

Filed under: General,Humor & Satire — Dangerous Dan @ 9:53 pm

According to a World Health Organization study, the sun kills 60,000 people a year (although death continues to be the number one killer). This has elicited the following reactions from some notables:

  • Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi immediately introduced legislation outlawing the sun. When the bill was defeated in the Senate, a new bill was introduced that would establish new taxes on the sun and on anybody who uses the sun's energy or light for any purpose. The tax money, Reid said, will go to “I don’t know… something to do with needy kids, orphans, or puppies or something… that always works.”
  • The Bush administration countered by declaring military action against the sun. Upon reviewing documentary evidence, hurling nuclear weapons at the flaming ball of gas is ineffective. Instead, a trilithium projectile will be constructed as soon as they figure out how to make one. Bush spokesman Tony Snow also noted that the sun shines an awful lot in middle eastern countries, so it’s likely the sun is an al-Qaeda operative. He also said wiretapping had been increased in Arizona.
  • Al Gore praised the proposed actions by both the Democrats and Republicans. He noted that while humans exacerbate the problem, the primary cause of global warming is still the sun and that this root cause should be addressed.
  • The UN debated the matter for several days and eventually decided to send the sun a strongly worded letter that obliquely implied consequences if it does not desist its hostile actions. It then offered the sun a permanent membership position on the World Health Organization's governing board.
  • France surrendered.
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